Traumatized Tebow

Despite all this "spin" of Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow's Heisman-esque Sainthood by the UF Athletic Dept., he has secrets he doesn't want to get out. Yes, besides being the perfect athlete, going out and bringing 20,000 people to the Lord on Missionary trips, and coaching the School for the Deaf's football team in his spare time he has certain traits he keeps in the closet. These are indeed Shocking Facts that you might not know:

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(1) Believes the Hokie Pokie is what it is all about.

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(2) CAN believe it's not butter!

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(3) Doesn't tip the talent at Hooters! (He'll burn for that one !!)

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(4) Dances in the shower to Wham's, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.

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(5) Whenever he is up for some giggles he goes home throws in The Pride of the Yankees into the DVD player and fast forward to when "Lou" Gehrig gets amyotrophic lateral sclerosis and just laughs and laughs and laughs.

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(6) He Shot JR.

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(7) Writes NSF checks for Girl Scout cookies.

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(8) Is so simple even a caveman can do him!

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(9) Is so good that the NCAA should pass a bylaw requiring the names on the backs of all the 84 other Florida Gators to read “NOT TEBOW.” This way, no one will turn on their TV sets, see a blue Florida Gator jersey under a pile and grow excited, only to cry uncontrollably when they realize that the Florida Gator in question is not #15 Tim Tebow but someone else!! (Of course he has been known to cry himself....see above, post LSU Ass-Whippin' Game on Saturday Night in Death Valley).

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10) Orders apple martinis.

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(11) Is Mark Foley's illegitimate son.

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(12) Thinks that The Waterboy accurately reflect life in Louisiana. (Announcer's voice: And here he comes #15....) (Now, Bobby Boucher's voice: Moma says, you Da' Devil, Mista' Tebow! Rrrreeeeee !! And then, there was the sound of extremely sincere contact).

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(13) Gives Kirk Herbstreet hair styling tips.

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(14) Convinced Marcia Clark to make OJ try on the glove.

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(15) Gave Nick Saban PR advice to say "I'm not going to be the next coach at Alabama."

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(16) Thinks Tiger Stadium is cheering for him (see "Caveman" analogy in #8, above).

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(17) Thought the Gator Chomp meant "love you this much!"

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(18) Puts his mouth on the public water fountain (major Eeeyyehh Factor here).

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(19) Led the PETA effort to prevent LSU from replacing Mike V.

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and Finally (20) Invented new Coke and the Weedeater.

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Let's give a big round of Tiger Bait applause for Mr. Tebow !!